Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Conversations With Connie

Last night Paige, Carly, and Shana hosted a party and received a noise violation. But really it just looks like the cop gave up, especially when spelling Shana's last name correctly the first time, crossing it out and misspelling it.

This was not the first shocking event that involved magnetic poetry.

One party guest was worried that a bearded stranger would pull a gun out, so these chilling lines seemed very fitting:

    The next morning called for Waffle Shop. Elizabeth was driving, and she failed to turn right (**promptly after coming to a complete stop) at a red light. Shana and Elizabeth started bickering, and the idea was brought about that they were similar to the Lockhorns.

    As we pulled into the parking lot, we almost died by a frantic Waffle-Shopper in a mini-SUV. 
"Waffles do things to people" 
- Unknown

    We then realized it was Sunday. And it was the Waffle Shop. Naturally there was a line out the door. Many were seen looking bored and hungry. Shana was still drunk.

                        "OMG, is there a car in line?"
 - Shana

Denny's was decided upon after discussing the horrifying possibility of seeing your family photos displayed in Cracker Barrel. Also, Cracker Barrel sucks. But so does Denny's. Now we know this for a fact.

We waited for what seemed like hours on the padded seats in the front foyer. While sitting, we noticed and admired a heart-shaped Popeye plush pillow in the claw machine. Plans were made to attempt to extract said pillow from the machine. Men sporting khakis and fancy boat shoes were crowding the area, but the most confusing part was the sole female in the group dressed in the traditional Penn State female student garb (referred to as the "SNUGG"). 
"Yacht club?" 
- Shana

Finally we were seated. The waitress (Connie) gave us menus in a huff, and after a short wait she came back to take our drink orders.
"Coffee and water, please"
- Everyone 

Everything was going fine until Shana decided she wanted her cream "on the side", thus commencing the trying experience of being Served By Connie.  (Shana as our unspoken spokesperson, unfortunately got the brunt of her wrath and scorn.)

The notion that Shana would need to specify was laughable to Connie. She regarded the request with marked dismay.   

"Well, yeah"

- Connie

Soon-ish after, she returned heaving a overly laden tray of coffee and miniature pitchers of cream for all.  She remarked grouchily that she couldn't fit all of the beverages on one tray and would have to make two trips.  This is where things really started to get interesting.  She demanded we "participate" by passing cups of coffee and the mini-pitchers down the table.  It was clear she took us for hooligans lacking a basic understanding of the physical limitations of human arms, and an unreasonable expectation that they should stretch several extra feet.  On her huffy second trip, we got to go through the overly coached (by Coach Connie herself) "participation" activity again.  Lucky us! 

"I feel like this is a team building exercise"

- Paige

Before she left the table to be nicer to other customers, Elizabeth requested a spoon to stir her coffee (assuming our own put-upon Connie might just take some initiative and bring six). That was Elizabeth's first mistake.

Elizabeth: Could I get a spoon, please?
Connie:  Uhhmmmmm.  I'll see what I can do...

We waited for Connie to pull some strings. Shana struggled a bit with her mini-pitcher and after spilling cream asked our Connie if she could bring some napkins and silverware.  "They're rolling them now.  We ran out.  I'll bring some out with your meal."


Everyone was struck by the bizarre notion that silverware and napkins can't be given to customers separately and without being rolled.  Connie was confused.

 Inner monologue: "You'll get it when it's ready."

As if we were asking her to serve us dangerously undercooked meat.  

"I don't want a dog that's smarter than me"

- Overheard at nearby table

Then came the food, which in itself wasn't bad (though in retrospect it didn't feel good), but brought with it a slew of new offenses.  Shana's skillet was carelessly (though possibly maliciously (let's give her the benefit of the doubt this time)) tossed into her open hand, nearly falling, and potentially burning Shana and Carly (though it now seems that it may not have been heated to an appropriate temperature, and may not have burned anyone).

DEUX: Preparing for Hurricane Connie II (Coffee Refills)

As the meal progressed, our mugs grew emptier and emptier.  We soon realized that something had to be done to help our poor persecuted Connie.  Arranging our mugs at the end of the table in an effort to alleviate our server's plight, Elizabeth spearheaded the plan to circumvent her strife.  When she finally came back, we asked for coffee refills and she asked us to pass our mugs down.  Hm.  Did she really not see them? Was it because she was so engrossed in her thoughts of being misunderstood by this table of sloppy, stupid youths (it should be noted that Connie can't be over twenty-five years old).  After being shown the mugs right in front of her, she huffed away and returned with a fresh pot of coffee.  "I don't know whose is whose, so you'll have to figure that out," said Connie with her ever present air of impatience.  Little did she know we had prepared for that understandably confusing eventuality, and when told, she seemed taken aback.  

Quick aside: we just looked up the name Connie, and discovered that it's short for Constance, which, if a persons name has any bearing on their character, might account for her steadfast crabbiness.

We got our coffee and coasted through the rest of our dining experience, with the exception of being forced to get up and search for a $25 Applebee's giftcard that the patron before us had left. There was no Applebee's giftcard, and even if there was, we all agreed we would have taken it. Everything else was pleasant and uneventful until Paige noted that Elizabeth's last piece of bacon looked like a man in a canoe.  Upon further inspection, we realized that he had a clear profile and very prominent lips.

"Definitely a mouth breather."


It was the first plate she cleared, and our own little piece of heaven went with her.

It should be made clear that it wasn't really even anything that she said that was that bad, it was the way she said it.  Definite 'tude.  Maybe her behavior is just a culmination of years of being dumped on at Denny's.

"These people clearly don't understand me"

- Something Connie would say

  • Jon
    you think jeff will want the warmingtons to play CT after last night?
    he was lovin that shit

  • 6:09pm

    "jon spearly is killin it downstairs"
    • Jon

      was that when we were playing or when [NAME HAS BEEN REMOVED] was stapling my body to the wall with her butt cheeks?

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